The First Night Since
by Nannalyn
Summary: "He never would have thought that this fear could intensify the way it does when he's sitting on his couch, a glass of scotch his only companion. Just the way he used to spend his evenings for years, until everything had changed." Harvey's night between 9x02 and 9x03 when Donna didn't come over.


He stares at the blank lock screen of his phone. No missed calls, no texts; the time making him wonder why he hadn't heard from her by now. Even if she was still with Samantha, he's sure she would have contacted him to make an arrangement for the night. It hasn't been that long yet, this new "them", they had almost been inseparable after work during all of this time. They had stayed at her place every night, Harvey only picking up some clothes at his place every now and then, heading over to hers immediately afterwards. Tonight was the first night since he showed up at her door that he stayed at his place, and waited for her to join him.

After their meeting with Benjamin earlier, they went their separate ways to get back to their offices.

_"Don't wait for me. I have to get through some stuff with Samantha later and don't want to cut her short." _

Her text had been matter-of-fact, no "miss you" or "can't wait to see you later". It bothered him. Even though he knew he was being ridiculous.

After having finished up for the night, he didn't want to leave without seeing her. They also hadn't talked about where they would spend the night, so he had decided to drop by her office on his way out. She had been busy talking to someone on the phone, and not wanting to disturb her, he had turned around and left, planning on calling her later.

* * *

When he was done preparing some easy dinner at his apartment that he hoped they could share, he had tried to call her. She didn't answer, so he left her a voice message, letting her know he would wait for her at his condo. With a John Coltrane record that always helps him relax playing in the background, he crashed on the couch looking through some car magazines. It had been a while since he last did that and it would help to pass the time until Donna came over.

Except that she didn't.

Once he finished browsing the magazines, he looked through the mail he had successfully ignored all week, when it suddenly started. Thoughts he didn't want to come back to him, entered his mind. Questions he never wanted to ask himself. Why didn't she call him back? Doesn't she want to spend every night with him? Is she not in this as much as he is? What if it was the wrong choice? What if they would never be ready for this? Forever longing to be close, in each other's lives, but destined to never have everything. No, he refused to believe that.

The fear of losing her had always been stronger than the will to risk loving her. Until it hadn't been a choice anymore, and he had acted on more than a dozen years' worth of suppressed longing. And now that he had experienced what it meant to freely love her, hold her, kiss her, breathing her in, there was simply no way back. He couldn't lose her. That had never been an option.

He never would have thought that this fear could intensify the way it does when he's sitting on his couch, a glass of scotch his only companion. Just the way he used to spend his evenings for years, until everything had changed. Not those last few days however, when they were spending every possible minute together. Cooking, talking, laughing, touching, loving, being. Living.

He felt alive for the first time since that one night over a decade ago, and he thought Donna would feel exactly the same. He had always seen her, but since they were together, he could swear she looked more beautiful than ever. He shouldn't be worried, but his heart, that feels like it's grown and been beating out of pure joy and love for the last couple of days, hurts all the more now that she's not there. He stares at the direction of the door, imagining how she would let herself in any minute now, reading on his face that something was up the second she would lay eyes on him. Telling him everything was alright, her phone died, she forgot the time. Surely he must be reading too much into it. That's what he is holding onto and it's preventing him from losing his mind.

Although it has been hours since he got home, he still hadn't eaten anything. Their dinner cold and untouched - how fitting.

Pictures of her appear in front of his inner eye. How she was making silly dance moves while brushing her teeth the other day, her peaceful look when she's sleeping, the way she moves around her apartment in casual clothes doing the most mundane things; he could watch her forever. Having these images in mind, he's positive that something that feels as natural and easy as what they've had the last few days could never be wrong. And he could never regret that. They've come so far and he wouldn't let them screw it up.

He checks his phone. Still nothing. Not wanting to seem too pushy, he decides to wait and brood. No matter what he's telling himself, a part of him that hasn't healed yet, makes itself noticeable. The first signs of panic flood his body and he doesn't know how to fight it. It's an overreaction and he knows it. Taking deep breaths, he decides to see if some fresh air might help to clear his head.

Outside on his balcony, the setting sun creates a magical light that paints a beautiful view of Manhattan in orange, violet and red. He used to love this view. Whenever he was lucky enough to be at home at that time of day, he would pour himself a glass or get a cold beer from the fridge; depending on his mood. Sitting outside, he would muse on everything and anything. Tonight, it reminds him of loneliness. He isn't naive, he knew they wouldn't spend every minute outside of the firm together, but this feels different. Everything between them is so new and exciting, it wasn't meant to be like that, right? She would have called and told him why she couldn't come over; because she was meeting with a friend, or because she would have to finish some work she took home. He couldn't imagine any other reason that would keep him from spending time with her.

There's a light breeze in the air on this warm summer evening, but it's not reaching his lungs. Loving her more than ever, he fears a possible panic attack could surprise him with an unprecedented force, and he would rather not find out if that's true.

In an attempt to find a distraction, he decides to call Mike. They had talked two days ago, trying to satisfy Mike's curiosity on all things "Donna and Harvey", and hoping it would result in him sending fewer text messages filled with double entendres. The moment Mike knew, he started to bombard him with those and however happy he was, after a while he started to worry about Mike's sanity, or Rachel's for that matter.

"_Hello my friend! Closed any deals yet this morning?"_

"_Don't forget to do those desk stretches in the office that I sent you the link for! They help reduce pain and strengthen your lower back."_

"_I bet you'd wish Donna were back on your desk iykwim"_

Rereading some of his recent texts, he wondered if he would ever grow up.

When the sun disappeared behind the horizon, the only light coming from the surrounding buildings and the darkness creeping up on him, he thinks it's time to call it a night. Putting his glass next to the sink, his eyes fall on the cactus Donna once gave him. At times when it had felt like she was slipping away, distancing herself from him, the plant had given him hope. As long as he could keep the cactus alive, he believed not everything was lost. After watering it under the faucet, he puts it on the kitchen counter where he would have his coffee in the morning.

* * *

Lying in bed, he reads the same paragraph for the umpteenth time, not being able to concentrate on it long enough. Before Donna, he had used to read for a bit right before going to sleep. He hadn't touched the book ever since and now it is a painful reminder that she isn't there with him. He talked to Mike earlier and it was good to hear his voice, listening to what adventures he's currently engaging in. When he told Mike about his last two days, he hoped he wouldn't notice something was off. Luckily for him, Mike had to end the call soon after or Harvey could have bet that he would have asked.

Donna still hasn't called back or texted him and he is almost certain, looking at the time on his bedside table, that he won't hear from her that night. The moment he had decided to go to her and lay it all out, he had made a promise to himself that he would not make the same mistakes ever again, which had only led to them hurting in the past. He would go looking for her first thing after arriving at the firm tomorrow, hoping she would tell him if there was something they needed to talk about.

Knowing his predisposition to insomnia, he expects it to be a long night. He misses her terribly, telling himself that it would only be one night he had to endure without her. Tomorrow, he would have her in his arms again. It would be their first night at his place, after their first real date, and it would feel as if she'd always been there.

* * *

**A/N: ****Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed and please let me know what you think! :)**

**I said "never say never" but this was definitely not planned. Seeing worried Harvey in Donna's office at the beginning of 9x03 got to me and one thing led to another...**

**A huge thank you to Nathalie (Evenstar1002) and Jules (raffertypaulsen) for their most valuable help and support! X**

**Oh, and if you're in need of some Harvey Specter kind of relaxing, check out _My Favorite Things_ by John Coltrane.**


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